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Many White social scientists and educators are unaware of and/or
detached from the realities of racism and conduct social research that 1.)
perpetuates stereotypes, falsely setting People of Color as inferior and
White people as superior and/or 2.) explains the differences of White
people and People of Color in terms of cultural deficits. White people, too,
have been harmed, carrying in their minds and bodies a legacy of racism
that, if left unacknowledged, contributes to the maintenance and/or
perpetuation of white racism. This research examines the impacts of
whiteness on the author, a White woman situated as an educator and
researcher in higher education. Through autoethnographic methods, the
author describes her lived experience of studying racism and whiteness—a
system of dominance embedded in U.S. institutions; interprets how her
experience fits within the context of whiteness theories; and discusses
observations and insights associated with writing an autoethnography of
whiteness and implications for practice. Two affective themes emerged
regarding the authors lived experience of whiteness—despair and white
shame. Awareness of the suffering of People of Color and the loss of
relationship with self and others led to the author’s sense of despair.
Experiences of witnessing racism, consciously or unconsciously colluding
with racism, and acknowledging internalized racism caused the author to
experience white shame. The author also describes her process of
transforming despair to hope and shame to compassion. The author
confronted whiteness in the process of writing this autoethnography,
including self‐consciousness about internalized racism, fear of
abandonment by other White people when confronting whiteness, and
inadvertent reinforcement of white normativity in construction of the text.
The process of writing an autoethnography of whiteness, while psychically
challenging, was healing and empowering for the author. Implications for
the author’s educational practice include ongoing examination of
whiteness; developing collective efforts to address structural inequality
through research and teaching; creating learning environments that allow
for reflection and action; and vulnerability in teacher‐student and research
relationships to decentralize power and build trust. |
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